Notes from a random training in a random place out of nowhere #1: A Greeting

It’s been ages I didn’t touch this blog. Somewhere along the line between 2017 and now has been lost, with so much things have happened, but some things are still like they were.

In a quiet evening, I stumbled upon this blog – stumbled upon the younger me. I heard her spoke, I observe the way she picked her words, and it was comforting. I always like myself better in writing: sometimes she’s raw, sometimes she has digested herself well before expressing it, sometimes she’s cheesy or grammatically wrong – but her in that very moment has become eternal.

And as I was hearing my younger self speaking to me in that unproductive evening, I was also looking for ways to document some of the training materials I received a month before for my mentees’ future reference (or someone’s mentees who might be happy to receive extra mentorship on some awkward things you never talk about). The training was conducted in a place far from anywhere, but it was a five days full of self-discovery, in an environment that stimulated calmness, optimism, and compassion. It was experimental, and it was very difficult to write about because they actually made you do things and experience things and take your lessons from those experience instead of from hearing or reading. It was a leadership training with a cheesy name, but rather than teaching you how to manage your external situation, this training material take you to a journey within. It wasn’t cheesy at all. It was hard and honest. It felt like a Jedi academy, and I felt like Anakin Skywalker being saved from running away to the corporate world (oh well, sorry that it was cheesy).

Throughout those five days, we learned to rediscover our purpose, personally trying to figure out things that gives us joy and makes our lives worth living; and even did a tear-jerking ‘facing mortality meditation’ that gave me a vivid image of how I want to live my life if I only have a year before death. We also learned to deliver vision as well as giving and receive feedbacks. There are also some experiments on partnership, where we learned about presence, about active listening and really giving space to the person who speak.

There are some interesting experiments around personal power, too, that helped us identify unskillful behaviour – our tendencies – that we subconsciously chose to do when we feel like we’re losing the grips of things. From there, we invented a mantra (seriously, we were even assigned a long-year awkward practice with this mantra) to help us shift from out-of-power situation to be within our power. Does that sound odd enough already? I know it sounds very weird in writing (I still have some thrills reading the emails sent to me for daily practice), but it’s not that bad when you actually trying that out.

Another useful tool that really force you to dig within yourself – but I guess totally useful for any kind of human interaction – is resourcefulness, where we basically identify our triggers. Triggers are situations that drives us disproportionally mad when we’re confronted with it. To manage it, there’s a very uncomfortable practice to do – but again, it was honest and revealing.

Aside from personal training, there are also some practices around organizational performance, where we learned about models of decision-makings and some useful tools in organizing – well, basically – anything. We learned to apply one of the tool, with a weird name wheel of change, that’s basically not that weird. Looking back to the events when I was mad, these decision-making things definitely worth some discussion back in office. Oh and speaking about discussion, we also learned how to involve ourselves in courageous conversation, basically any potentially difficult conversation when you have to say to somebody a very honest truth they’ll never want to hear. In a way that will win them over.

We also learned about personal management, that includes personal ecology and performance. It was quite surprising to me that my ability to detach from work was awefully good, but then I remember that I was my office’s top holiday taker (and I innocently pick my signal-free holiday destination or activities and feeling no guilt even when I do so for 14 days). I could brag that I need to have that behaviour because I already perform too fast for an NGO pace. However, I cannot brag at all on the other points: innovation. I used to proud myself as a pioneer, but my innovation scored so bad and I saw myself silencing some innovation seeds and defended the status quo in a fun, but heartbreaking game.

All these learnings I want to eternalize; giving away to anyone who ever feel like they’re going to the Sith side and need to be saved. Each and every session is going to be written in this blog, one post every week. It took me six years to ever come across this materials, with  no one ever mentored me around this things. So I want any mentee that might never come across me, to be able to access me and the learnings I took from this training, even from distance.

When I came back and told the curriculum to a friend, he said another friend of mine has been persuading him to take that kind of training, and that other friend said that the kind of training was built on psychoanalysis and self-hypnosis. It might. And I have no idea about psychoanalysis and self-hypnosis, and my writings might not do justice for all the sensation, emotion, experience that we went through those five days. I know I was really lucky to experience this training first hand, and to be exposed to the beautiful five days of ideal ecosystem that felt like a utopia. But my writing is all that I can bring: here and now. And it’s a personal narrative so I hope you feel like I’m speaking to you.

One last note: I owe this all to three amazing trainers – Robert Gass, Judith Ansara, and Yvonne Sum. Google them, they have a wiki page and website with awesome and free resource.

So that’s all – and wish me luck with my one piece a week discipline!

2017

Selamat, Margaretha. Tahun 2017 adalah tahun penting buatmu. Di luar maupun di dalam diri, engkau puas. Ritme sirkadian hidupmu, gelap dan terangnya, telah kau rangkul.

Engkau telah belajar mengenal keindahan yang makro dan yang mikro. Tahun ini alam menyapamu dengan nyanyian yang berbeda – pada sulur akar, lembab tanah, lompatan katak, pakis dan jamur; dan semesta kecil di dalamnya yang penuh pesona. Bentang alam masih memancing decak kagummu, namun gembiramu tak lagi surut karena langit yang abu, karena kau telah berkawan dengan rintik hujan di hidungmu. Mungkin hujan dan pesta kecil yang dibawanya mengingatkanmu akan Himalaya (2017), atau Leuser (2016), atau Oregon (2014-2015) – atau hutan hujan di Jawa Barat bertahun yang lalu sebelum kau harus berteman dengan resiko longsor yang kian kerap setiap November sampai April.

Kau pun telah makin mengenal benda-benda di sekelilingmu, dan bagaimana sebuah benda bisa terakumulasi menjadi bencana. Engkau mengenali hubunganmu dengan sampah, mengobservasi kebiasaan tak perlu yang telah terbangun berdekade tanpa pernah kau pikirkan sebab-akibatnya. Dan dalam relasi ini, diri adalah laboratorium. Ada rasa puas ketika melihat konsumsi plastik sekali pakai tergantikan dengan tas belanja, botol minum dan sedotan baja. Ada pembelajaran dari kealpaan, dari komunikasi atau miskomunikasi yang tak jarang menyadarkanmu akan lebarnya jurang pilihan dari sebuah benda sederhana – sekali pakai. Namun aku bangga, karena kau memulai dari dirimu. Yang tadinya asing kini telah menjadi norma. Aku melihat kekikukan menjelma jadi kebiasaan; sebuah rekayasa psikologis yang kau pilih dengan sadar – dan kau taklukkan.

Tidak sia-sia juga kau menaikkan investasimu dalam merawat jiwa dan raga. Sepeda statis telah menjadi rutinitasmu, sekalipun otot-otot lengan dan betismu sedikit kau terlantarkan. Namun seperti kau mengenal katak dan jamur, kau mengenal semesta kecil pada tubuhmu sedikit lebih jauh. Otot, sendi, tulang dan hormon-hormonmu; semua menceritakan narasi yang mengagumkan. Seperti alam yang tidak berhenti memesonamu, fisiologi – tubuhmu sendiri, dan bagaimana ia berhubungan dengan yang kau rasakan – menawarkan berbagai cerita untukmu. Atas semua perasaan positif yang kau rasakan – kau harus berterima kasih pada produksi endorfinmu.

Dan berterima kasihlah pada Huda, sahabatmu yang sekarang vegetarian itu, karena ia memaksamu bertualang sedikit ke negeri sayur mayur dan buah-buahan. Dan negeri itu tak kalah mengagumkan – ingatkah betapa banyak nama-nama kandungan yang kau temukan saat meneliti bagaimana kau perlu mengombinasikan makananmu dengan kebutuhan tubuhmu? Dan di tiap kandungan itu ada relasi antara dirimu dan apa yang kau makan, mulai dari bagaimana ia diproses sebelum sampai di mulutmu hingga perjalanannya setelah berada di septic tank. Di antara itu, ada pengalaman saat kau memakannya – yang membahagiakan. Kau lebih mengenal rasa dan aroma – kopi hitam dengan ratusan varian dan probabilitas campurannya; manis dan renyah berbagai daun, umbi dan sayur-buah; rasa individual dari jenis-jenis rempah; perubahan sensasi roti tawar ke roti bakar. Kau juga lebih mengenal musim – mengikuti bumi dengan kelimpahan yang disediakannya; serta relasi kelimpahan itu dengan keekonomian maupun politiknya.

Pada akhirnya, pencapaian terbesarmu adalah melepas dan menerima. Engkau memulai tahun dengan rencana mengakhiri sebuah hubungan, terlama dan terdalam yang pernah kau alami. Engkau juga memulai tahun dengan sebuah kemenangan, yang segera dijadikan tak berarti oleh yang berkuasa. Kekalahan dan kemenangan ini telah mengubah karaktermu, mendorong batasan-batasan psikologismu sedikit lebih jauh, memaksamu mengalah, berkompromi, berusaha, melepaskan dan akhirnya kembali memulai lagi. Dan dalam pelepasan itu engkau telah menikmati semua pedih dan sedih, mengamati dan mengalami. Engkau mengenal kasih, gairah dan keberanian dalam bentuk yang lain, yang telah melalui menang dan kalah; menerima dan mensyukuri akibat yang diberikannya. Kau selalu tahu bahwa menang, kalah dan semua perputarannya akan terus menyirami atau memberi terik seperlunya, memastikan kau tumbuh walau kadang tidak kau mengerti kontribusinya. Tapi dalam senang dan pedihmu, di tahun ini engkau telah berbahagia, menerima dan terus berjalan sedikit lebih jauh.

Selamat, Margaretha. Sampai tahun lain yang lebih bermakna.

Tujuh Puluh Dua

Aku tahu akan canggung menulis tentangmu dalam bahasa ini, Indonesia. Karena aku akan menulis begitu banyak perasaan: cinta dan pedih; dan kau tahu bahwa kita enggan menggunakan bahasa pertama untuk bicara perasaan.

Engkau ada di punggungku, satu-satunya cinderamata permanen di kulitku agar aku selalu ingat bahwa aku menyokongmu. Engkau di hatiku, di karirku. Dalam gugatan-gugatanku yang kesannya membencimu. Dan memang kadang aku gemas akan tingkahmu. Tapi bagaimana bisa aku membencimu, jika orang-orang yang kau tindas bahkan masih begitu sayang padamu?

Tahukah kau, Indonesia? Engkau juga ada di rumah-rumah kumuh. Engkau harapan sawah dan ladang yang kau jarah jadi pabrik, di hutan yang kau obral konsesinya. Namamu bergema di bukit-bukit dan mata air gua karst yang kau tambang atas nama pembangunan. Di kampung-kampung miskin yang tak terjamah infrastruktur. Mereka yang justru paling girang gembira memestakanmu dengan balap karung, panjat pinang, dan semua mainan sederhana itu – yang kerap kau anggap kutil di lubang pantatmu. Engkau ada di hati mereka, janji kemerdekaanmu telah didengungkan kepada anak-anak mereka.

Indonesia, ini hari kemerdekaan tersedih dalam hidupku. 

Kenapa kau pinggirkan lagi anak-anak Ibu Pertiwi yang paling setia, paling sederhana, paling sedikit menyumbang kehancuranmu? Orang-orang yang telah melawan dengan sehormat-hormatnya, dalam semua keterbatasan mereka? Memang tak mudah menemukan makna dalam kata berbunga-bunga dan rentetan birokrasi yang menggila, tapi fakta tak bisa dibuat dari bias satu pihak saja.

Mungkin aku hanya terkejut karena kau merampas mainan kesukaanku. Atau karena kau akhirnya berhasil menggilas idolaku. Atau aku hanya merasa gagal karena aku tak pernah mampu mengerahkan seluruh kemampuanku untuk membantumu menalar argumen-argumen rumit yang disajikan di depanmu.

Hari ini aku merayakan perjuangan, Indonesia. Perjuangan dari jajahan bangsaku sendiri. Bersama tentara-tentara yang masih bertahan. Kami patah. Kami tumbuh. Kendeng tidak hilang. Ia membangkitkan Ibu Pertiwi di jiwa-jiwa kami, menyuburkan bibit-bibit yang akan meneruskan perjuangan ini.

Jakarta, 17 Agustus 2017. Dibuat dalam balutan penyesalan dan kesedihan, sebuah solidaritas untuk teman-teman Kendeng, yang perjuangannya telah menginspirasi begitu banyak pegiat lingkungan tanah air. Maafkan kami, Ibu Pertiwi.

An Airport Contemplation (Day 1: KL-Kathmandu)

I slept at the airport. 

A 10 hours layover is not an easy task when you have a freshly numbed heart. That moment when you have a long bruise that has hardened you know it's there but you no longer feel it. And I had all the time myself to cheat all my transitioning rules: expecting him to say take care, to check me in between flights, to at least leave some marks of his presence online so I know his whereabout. But he didn't - as he never were. It was always the other people - my dad, my sister, my friends - but not him. And I swallowed a hard truth I painted on my transition diary last night: I wanted to quit, I've been wanting to, I need to, I have to. And as a Capricorn, I will get what I want. 

I was waiting for a pre-travel thrill to trump this empty numbness, but the thrill never really came. I should've been panicked from my badly calculated decision not to exchange my currency outside the airport, doubled with a hesitant trade of only US$ 100 at the Jakarta airport. Wrong move, since currency exchanges in KLIA has neither a better rate nor a direct IDR-USD conversion. But I was calm, open to possibilities. I left my toothbrush, knee support, and a proper pants home, but I have no concern, thinking I might bring a cute Nepalese pants home. I have mixed feelings about my running shoes - not sure if it'll be of use given the infamous  polluted air of Kathmandu, but feeling incomplete still without it. All of these just reminded me that my calmness in having no plan has evolved overtime, and so the gradual decrease of the pre-travel excitement and nervousness. After all, we have all these technology. 

I had a 10 dollars worth of beer and a much cheaper bowl of noodle at KLIA, the former I bought for the ambience of the selling place; the latter for hunger. But anywhere I roam the airport is dead, with all of its life supporting equipments alive. No people, no conversation. I finally managed to sneak into my sleeping bag by 3am, occasionally interrupted with the noise that people or cleaning machine made, but never fully awake. I like staying in the airport during the long intervals in between flights, and I have this vision to keep it that way. It use to disturb me that as people's wealth and status rise up, they stop doing things they did when they are young - things that usually correlated with lack of money, but not always so in fact. I always thought a transit hotel as an unnecessary comfort. And what's a comfort when you're locking yourself down in an empty room, surrounded by TV and empty walls? Only to rise really early in the morning and fly again? Let travel be travel, I like it that way. Sleeping at airports have drawn me some memories of my youth - backpacking solo for the first time, chatting with taxi drivers; catch some 3 flights to a remote location for a campus thing right after my grandmother's burial ceremony; and other occurrence I lost track of those memories. But I never felt ashame for sleeping at the airport. 

The long 10 hours finally ended and the gate showing Kathmandu sign and my flight number opens. As unfortunate luck can be, I sat in the window seat that has no window, and to my alley side was a couple of obesed Australians who ordered soda as their first drink in the morning. But even before flying, their warmth melted my fragile heart already. "What gets you to Kathmandu?" the male Aussie asked. Such a simple question to make me feel welcome - a greeting I rarely encountered in my increasing frequent flights. Question that has reminded me of my first days of travels, curiously greeting everyone, big smile here and there, though occasionally bury myself in books after get bored of chit chats. And sometimes you get a genuinely interesting conversation as well. I put down my books, started a quick chat with this couple, who turned out came over to Nepal from Brisbane to attend a close friend's wedding. 

Some hours in the sky, when the food has been served and I'm enjoying a rice cake with a cup of (a storage-tasted) coffee, head tilted, drowned in Nguyen's Sympathizer, the person in front of me suddenly moved his chair, causing the coffee to jump and my head almost knocked by the sudden force. I was almost mad, screaming "Holy smoke!!" as a reflect. This couple ensure if I was okay, then I heard this Aussie dude saying, with a grin, "You're lucky that your coffee did not spill!" It was a very quick ride down. If you can recall that moment when you're about to throw a tantrum but a simple thing suddenly soothe down your angry meter, that was it. I smiled, almost cry. It's such a simple thing: I was lucky. No matter how bad it was and how my anger was ready to blow, I forgot the fact that the coffee did not spill, or even topped over completely, has made it much, much better. 

So here I am now, somewhere in the sky between India and Nepal, still flying, heart still aching with the kind of ache you cannot really feel. I don't know what Kathmandu has to offer, or the mountains back there. It won't heal in the same way as other travels I had before. I am changing as a traveler, as a mountaineer, as a child of mother nature. I am changing in embracing and accepting life's tasty flavors and its bitter pills. Not to mention I was, and I am, lucky in many ways. And my page is freshly opened, seeking ways to refill it again. 

Beat the Microbeads: Mengapa Menjauhi Microbeads? (Part 1/2)

Kalau kamu pernah menggunakan scrub atau sabun yang memiliki butiran halus seperti pada scrub, kemungkinan kamu pernah berkontribusi terhadap limbah microbeads ke alam. Wait, what? Apa sih microbeads itu? Nih, aku kutipin dari Wikipedia:

Yak, betul sekali! Butiran-butiran halus pada produk tersebutlah yang mungkin merupakan microbeads. Nggak semuanya sih, ada juga yang dari bahan alami, seperti bijih aprikot atau bubuk kopi, namun, ada juga yang dibuat dari plastik berukuran mikro.  Kalau bahannya alami, tidak begitu masalah. Nah, kalau bahannya plastik, microbeads ternyata berbahaya buat lingkungan dan ekosistemnya, lho! Bahkan, karena kebahayaannya ini, di beberapa negara seperti Kanada, Amerika Serikat, Britania Raya dan Belanda produk-produk sudah dilarang menggunakan microbeads.

Ada beberapa alasan mengapa negara-negara tersebut melarang penggunaan microbeads dalam produk, terutama yang bila dibilas akan mengalir ke sistem pengelolaan air dan/atau ke badan air di alam bebas. Intinya, microbeads menyebabkan permasalahan yang serius!

Ini nih jumlah microbeads per botol kosmetik!

Pertama, dengan ukurannya yang sangat kecil, mencegah microbeads agar tidak masuk ke aliran air sangatlah sulit. Microbeads yang digunakan saat mandi akan terbilas langsung ke sistem pengelolaan limbah, dan tidak ada filter yang cukup kecil untuk menyaringnya.

Kedua, sebagai plastik, microbeads menyebabkan pencemaran partikel plastik ketika masuk ke badan air secara terus menerus tanpa bisa dicegah. Di beberapa perairan di negara di atas, microbeads terakumulasi di badan air, baik di permukaan, kolom air maupun dasar. Sebuah studi oleh State University of New York menemukan bahwa 1.500 – 1,5 juta microbeads per meter persegi ditemukan di permukaan Great Lakes di Amerika Serikat.

Ketiga, hal ini menyebabkan permasalahan turunan terhadap ekosistem, khususnya terhadap ikan yang hidup di ekosistem perairan yang tercemar microbeads. Sebuah studi menemukan anak-anak ikan perch, sebuah spesies ikan air tawar, ketika menetas ternyata memilih untuk memakan microbeads dibandingkan makanan alaminya. Selain itu, karena ukurannya sangat kecil, ikan dewasa pun kadang memakannya secara tidak sengaja, yang kemudian menetap di badannya dan meluas melalui rantai makanan.

Keempat, microbeads ternyata juga menyerap bahan kimia lain, sehingga dampak di ikan menjadi lebih parah, bahkan bisa berdampak hingga ke manusia. Microbeads bisa menyerap dan mengkonsentrasikan polutan seperti pestisida dan polycyclic hydrocarbons, yang keduanya bersifat persisten dan berbahaya bagi kesehatan.

Sudah males kan menggunakan microbeads? Ayo kita berhenti pakai produk-produk yang mengandung microbeads. Masalahnya, produk yang mengandung microbeads ini masih beredar dengan luas di Indonesia. Jadi, gimana dong supaya kita bisa menghindari produk-produk microbeads?

Simak di postinganku selanjutnya yaa!

Bersambung ke Part 2/2: Bagaimana Menjauhi Produk yang Mengandung Microbeads?